She doing better Physically - But Mentally? Emotionally? Uh. TBD.

Monica Malone
May 5, 2020
4 min read

Happy Mental Health Awareness Month!

I'm a lil' pissed.

I NEVER get sick. Like, really truly, I have a stupid good immune system. For the most part. Obviously, I'm human and I feel "under the weather" sometimes, or have allergies, or get hungover, but to be truly ill where I can't anything, that has happened *maybe* half a dozen times (that I remember). It is such a rare occurrence that when it does happen, I get so anxious about it I tend to make it even worse.

Imagine how I felt three weeks ago when my doctor told me to ASSUME I had Covid-19.

Week 1, I was okay. At the start of week two it took a sudden turn and then week three was the start of recovery. I was so anxious and scared during week two that I hardly ate. (See what I mean about making it worse?) Week three ended up being me recovering from being ill, as well as healing from my anxiety telling me not to eat. I'm still healing from that, and that makes me sad. I was so light headed, tired, and frustrated with the situation as a whole. I tried too quickly to bounce back once I felt the slightest bit better and ended up almost fainting trying to do laundry. My roommate, Goddess bless her, was wonderful at taking care of me as best she could, and then making sure I didn't take it so fast once I felt better. It was a very long three weeks.

But I'm still a lil' pissed.

Did I actually have it? WHO KNOWS. No one would test me because I didn't have trouble breathing. All my problems were gastrointestinal and I won't go into details because you can probably guess how NOT FUN it was. I waited till the last minute to go to the Emergency Room, 'cuz, ya know. Only once blood got involved did my roommate take me to the ER. They still wouldn't test me because I could breathe fine - it was just my anxiety making a big 'ol comeback in the worst way. That was the only reason I had trouble breathing. LOL They still should have tested me.

There is that little suspicion though, that it doesn't feel like I had covid-19. In truth, about three days after my ER trip I started to feel less crummy (still hella crummy tho you better believe). A fast turn around from all the reports I've herd. I still should have been tested. If the testing had been more readily available six weeks ago, we could have had a better handle on this thing - no changing the past, but it's still frustrating. Had they tested me instead of just fucking ASSUMING - I could have known how better to protect myself and my roommate. People need to get tested regardless of how they feel because it helps keep track and give us more accurate data to fight this thing. I could go on, but I'm not here to report the NEWS and I'd basically be reciting John Oliver's little monologue from Last Week Tonight.

Testing. Testing. Testing.

I gotta right to be a lil' pissed.

I'm doing better physically, but mentally I am slowly retreating away from all the progress I had made over the past year in therapy. I know set backs happen, regardless of a pandemic, but I had started to feel like I was doing really well. I know many people who feel the same, and I know many who feel worse. We are experiencing a collective trauma AS WELL AS in our personal lives. There is no guidebook for this. There started to be, but surprise surprise... It is frustrating as hell, and scary, and sad, and you are allowed to not be okay. You just need to know that it WILL be okay.

You are not alone. I am not alone.

Yes, I am about to say what it seems like everyone is saying. They say it so much it can sound like a broken record. Making you go, "Yes, I agree. Also, shut the hell up. I need more wine." That doesn't mean it's not important. Here it comes, are you ready? If you know what it is say it with me -

MENTAL HEALTH IS SO IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

It is so important. So much so that people who didn't think it was a thing before are now realizing that it's a real thing. Check in with yourself. If you have the energy and emotional capacity to check on others, please do, but also know that no one should hate you if you don't. Talk when you're ready. This is a tough one y'all. I've already GUSHED at the positivity coming out of this pandemic - and could do so all day - but this shit is C R A Z Y. None of us are okay! You are not alone! I am not alone!